Shoulda Woulda Coulda

There are two remarkable things in life.   The first is hindsight.  Hindsight is a wonderful tool and sometimes painful tool too learn our life lessons, and the second is a child’s point of view.

When I was a child I tried to jump into adulthood as fast as I could.  I mostly enjoyed my childhood, but I wanted to grow up and be responsible and live my life – I loved the idea of independence.  Although at the time, I don’t think the word independence was the word I used.  I imagined my adult life a little different in terms of how it has worked out, but none the less I have most of the things I imagined for my life, and yet far more than I could ever imagine!   I have a great husband, gorgeous kids and a lovely, mostly sometimes clean home.   What I don’t have is the imagined fortune that my childhood imagination suggested for us as a family.   I also don’t have the suzuki jeep that I once imagined and I certainly don’t (yet) have the sexy figure I imagined.

As an adult there are a few things I would like to recapture from my youth.   I would like to recapture the wreckless freedom, innocence, disposable income, and add more romance and sponteneous funwith my husband, and children.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and I can’t imagine life without any of them – good times and bad…but you do have your days when the world seems to heavy to carry.  Its at these times that I wish for that one moment back in time when I wasn’t responsible for anyone but myself, and if the issue was not in relation to husband dearest, maybe I wish for that moment in time when life was just about us.

There will always be pro’s and con’s for every situation in our lives.  The pro’s of having children certainly out way the cons of having children, just as the pro’s of having a good relationship with your partner in life out ways the con’s of being in a relationship, but I have realised that  somewhere over the last 11 years I started to take life a little too seriously and the weight of the world started to feel heavy on my shoulders.  I don’t think I am the only mum in the world who carry’s the burden for her family.

This whole situation got me thinking.   As a mum we have so much weight on our shoulders.   I wear far too many hats – supervisor, chef, hunter and gatherer, fight referee, event and activity planner, chauffeur, house keeping, personal assistant, payroll, human services, chief delegator, chief organiser, counsellor, wife, friend and I think I am missing one, but its 12:16am and I can’t think of any more.

So back to mums have so much weight on our shoulders.   I wouldn’t go back to childhood for one moment, but I do find myself reminicing on the free time I had, free board and lodging until I moved to the Sunshine Coast, I had time to sit for hours and read,  and I could hang out with my friends and have sleep overs – and go to camp.  Being young and free is wonderful.

Now as an adult I have to be honest – I want and need more time for myself.   I want more time to read and chill out, or go for a walk, meet up with friends, and I desperately want to make time for myself to get my hair cut.   I somehow have lost me as the many hats have pile up.  My life has become more reactive rather than planned and enjoyed.  There is always something to do and I have realised that I need to schedule in more fun.  I want more time just to think without interuption.  My husband would say that I have evenings after the kids go to bed, but I often don’t get to head into the bedroom to chill out until after 8pm most nights and yes I do get some time, but I don’t find I actually get quality time as I am tired and I really need to relax and sleep.

In hindsight, I need to say that with my disposable income I wish I was more responsible with it and saved as much as I could.  I wish I did more with my disposable time, enjoyed the time I had and not wished it away for the grass is always greener, and I wish I was more aggressive about the jobs I had.  I really wished that my past single life was enjoyed more and not taken for granted.   An old friend of mine who I shared a house with years ago once said that she felt like she was getting to the corners too quick.  There is an old saying about that ‘thing’ or ‘relationship’  you want ‘is just around the corner’, and i think that as I look back over my life, I should have enjoyed my single days more than I did.  Every phase in our life is a season, and while I love my husband and would never want to part from him, I wish that I spent less time in my youth comparing myself to my friends who married young, and longing for what they had, when I should have just spent time enjoying my single phase in life.   I guess its easy to look back on life and see what I should have done.  I think this is an important piece of advice I am going to give my children.

As a mum I need to have more fun, not just on my own, but with friends and with my family.     I need to create more opportunities for fun, and I need to schedule it in to the calendar.    If its not in the calendar it doesn’t seem to get done.   I need to realise that I just can’t always have a spotless home.   The reality is that relationships with people are sometimes messy, and relationships are the most important part of life.   One day, many years from now, how do I want my family and friends to remember me?  What was important to me?   How did I make others feel?  How did I make my children feel as they grow up?